When Mr. M asked me this, I actually killed myself (figuratively speaking)

Seriously, are you kidding?

M just asked me what I was painting or IF I painted. First of all the answer was “Nada” and secondly, what the hell? Why the pressure?

It’s not only M (he asked after a long time) it’s everyone I meet. Two questions every god damn time…so what are you doing these days? I am always like…”wha…???” Why do people actually believe that every few months (when they get lucky to have an encounter with me) I will come up with a new profession? How often do others change their professions anyway? Every time I answered, “Well, same old same old…painting, teaching, filming, editing, writing…” They be like ….”So you are still doing the same thing? Nothing new?” (What???) When did I not do these things? When did I stop doing these things? This is what I always did and a few times I added fashion designing, art direction, acting, modeling…that’s it and that was LONG LONG time ago… Come on, people. Pay a little more attention to me.

Second usual question is “What are you painting these days?” (Hmm…sure, this is exactly how it works in an artist’s life.) Well, sometimes I feel like replying, “Yesterday I painted a fish. Today morning I decided to paint a dog, before this I have painted every god damn thing that exists in its physical or nonphysical form (concrete and abstract nouns) including feelings, emotions, air… But since universe has run out of creativity and stopped producing new things, I think I am on a repeat mode because I ‘have to’ paint, right? Otherwise what will I tell people, I am an artist who doesn’t paint every effing day?

What do you actually believe or expect from an artist? Do we have a ‘product life cycle’ or compulsion or obligation?

Ok, so coming back to the start, when I told Mr.M that I am not able to paint and have been looking at my blank canvas for days, also craving green in my head these days, my hand has refused to move without it and my pantry is out of green and shops won’t open till after Eid (blah…blah…), so he looked at my painting on the wall and said “Well, you painted this one black. Use some other color.” Then completely being ignorant of my facial nonverbal language of bewilderment, and a wish of committing suicide RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT, he continued by looking at another painting, “Like, for example, if I have to paint, I will look at this painting and will think, this pink looks cool. Let’s paint a canvas with pink.”

This is what my brain did in response “Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Then I imagined myself jumping off the highest cliff and landing on the rocks.

(I wish producing art was this a simple process.)

#berlin #germany #switzerland #artbasel #art #USA

If you are interested in reading more, please SUBSCRIBE to the blog on the right and SHARE it below OR leave a comment if you have something to say.