Watching birds fly was the only way to shut her up

Kindly don’t think that I am crazy. I have to write this.

Since I have become a quiet person, there is another me who is sitting in my head and talking nonstop. Today she is so loud that I can’t hear anything else. Talking, talking, talking… Whom she is even talking to? Full length conversations. Making me nauseous.

How to stop listening?

How to shut down for a while?

I have been meditating for three hours in a day already (morning, evening, night). Isn’t that already a lot?

I have been away from everyone because I needed solitude (if this is solitude) so I can focus but these voices for past few days are taking all my peace. It’s already tiring listening to the objects around me that chatter all day long and now this head has transformed into a loud speaker once again.

I am in my studio all day long and yet not free. Some moments my brain drags me to paint next moments it puts me on the chair to edit films. While that is in progress, it drags me to research on galleries or write…and so on…

Only if somehow I can silent this voice for few days (without signing up with some heartless therapist).

I have to get back to the cemetery in Berlin where somehow it felt like I was enveloped in some kind of energy that was soothing to all my cells. As if like I was in someone’s arms.

I think the conversations in my head are all those that I ever wanted to have with others but didn’t because talking about my personal life makes me nauseous. Every time I spoke to someone about this, I was anxious for days so now I don’t want to tell even my closest friends about it. Don’t even want to discuss my future plans either. Just don’t. Well, the result is this voice.

Other than this, my life is at least very peaceful these days. I have peace at home (for the first time).

To get some distraction, I just went out for a long drive yesterday. Looking at people, at houses, at life… Sat at an empty plot and watched hundreds of birds flying around me. There is something in the flight of birds that has always made me a captive in the moments. It’s very calming. My head was silent for some time.

I sat, watched, wished…

#berlin #europe #germany #switzerland #basel

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These are the birds I watched yesterday. Watch on YouTube.