Punishment is the last and the least effective instrument in the hands for the prevention of crime.
–John Ruskin
–John Ruskin
Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment. –Mahatma Gandhi
Parents of young and adult children now are those who were children themselves just fifty years ago. Fifty years ago parents were influenced by the stark parenting skills which were deprived of knowledge of behavioral psychology. Parents in those days were unaware of repercussions of their actions and decisions implemented on their children in order to discipline them. Children were reprimanded and punished in reflection of their wrong doing. Lack of genial parent-child relationship divested children from knowledge of effective decision making.
In past five decades Generation X offspring-ed Generation Y, and Gen Y has become parents of Generation Z. There is no doubt about the change in parenting in due course of time of fifty years which is the result of widespread of college education for all and not only privileged. People now are more considerate in bringing up children in informed environment but unfortunately some rough roots are still breathing underground nourishing some traits of their behavior in reflection of their parents’ techniques.
I am concerned about the punishment in form of grounding children.
It is very common to hear that a child has been grounded for not bringing result in report card as expected by parents, or by coming home past curfew hours, or for raising voice to a parent and so on. Once a child is ‘grounded’, he is ripped of privileges of finances and modern communication. The child is suppressed mentally and suffocated without freedom. He is just been told that because of his behavior or below average performance he has been punished. Parents see it as a powerful tool to discipline him although mainly it is their way of venting frustration of their failures in social donnybrook. They find the need to show their power and superiority, and when it is not possible in competitive world outside, they quench it on menials at home.
Many of you will agree with parents on this action but I, although being a parent of a fifteen year old, see it with child’s perspective.
The child who is being punished, who is used to of his behavior, does not understand what he did wrong. If it is bad report card then he has already studied to his available capacity; if it is coming home late so he has come home after all; if it is about raising voice then this is how he talks. Then what went wrong. According to him, NOTHING. This is how he is. Once grounded, he doesn’t think of improving his behavior or performance but goes in negative state of rebellion. Since he is not being reinforced on at least studying, coming home and questioning, he takes parents as his rivals and incline to the external sources for appreciation and comfort. He waits to turn eighteen and never sees his parents again.
So what should be done?
I will tell you what I do and how I have brought up my daughter. And what is the result.
I never treated my daughter as a child. I brought her up to be a person. When she was a baby and then toddler, if she fell and got hurt, I never pampered her. Instead I would walk to her calmly and after seeing her body is functional, ask her if she was alright. I never cared for few scratches or blood on the skin. What I said “Good, you’re fine. Here’s the bandage, fix it on.” She would not cry because she knew there was no reward of attention for it. She would get up and start playing again. Result of this is that she is able to bear pain when getting injured during sports. She is able to control her emotions in any situation. She doesn’t seek help from others.
As everyone makes mistakes, even adults, she made as well. She was never scolded or punished but instead I would sit with her and talk to her digging in depth the reasons that led her to do something in the wrong way. She would tell me and then with my experience I would tell her what she would have done to avoid that mistake. Result: She learned several ways to be accurate in different situations. If she ever scored poorly in a test at school, I still told her that I was proud of her for trying hard. Result: she did much better next time and gets really good score in O Level. Falling scores once in a while doesn’t bother me at all because I know she is smarter than many if not all. If she goes out with her friends, I would tell her to be back by 1 am but if something hiders on punctuality to return in the given time then she should inform me on phone. Result: she makes it her priority to come before 1 am by applying good time management techniques, and also keeping me informed every hour on sms. If she ever questioned my ‘NO’ I answered her with my reasons to make her understand an adult’s perspective. Result: she has excellent reasoning skills. If I ever found retaliation in her behavior due to teenage rush of hormones, I would ask her the reasons behind her behavior and then tell her about the consequences she may possibly face in future dealing with others, and that her behaviour is driven by hormones. Result: she is highly careful and polite and never driven by hormones.
If anyone around bragged about his new car, phone or living, I told her that how a relationship with materials is meaningless in comparison to a relationship with people. Result: Even with given privileged luxuries and born a silver-spooned, she is still not materialistic but a minimalist just like me. When she goes out, I call her once every hour to tell her how much my husband and I are missing her presence. Result: Even at fifteen, she is extremely close to us like a friend not like a daughter. When she is studying and doesn’t have time to spend with us, I sit next to her and read my book and occasionally kiss her and hug her. We eat together in our bedroom watching TV; we snuggle in bed together and play, wrestle and talk. Result: She is as close to us as an infant to her mother. She hugs us both and tells us she loves us every time she sees us EVEN AT FIFTEEN. She doesn’t hesitate to display her love for us publicly. We three are best friends talking all the time. I share everything about our business with her and make her contribute her suggestions. Result: She has thorough knowledge of running business and loves her business subjects at school and is quite head of her class.
I have never confiscated her means of freedom and communication or entertainment. I have a powerful tool, it’s called TALKING. I have never laid out my frustration on her but if I ever was angry, I told her about how I was feeling. Result: she knows many ways of controlling her anger.
I believe that a consequence given without that focus is just a punishment that won’t teach your child anything new. I believe that children need thinking not punishment.
The difference between a thinking error and a mistake is that a mistake is a single incident, while a thinking error is making the same mistake over and over again. Almost all children nowadays have thinking error. If adults can correct that, the world will become a better place in next few years.
If parents can change their behaviour, our children will become polished adults in as early age as five ultimately bringing down the crime rate in the world. After all, children are what we make them.
It is reminder to parents of modern times; those who don't find time for children anymore. Shirazi
Your example with your child reminded me of this quote:
"…the communities are day and night occupied in making penal laws, and in preparing and organizing instruments and means of punishment. They build prisons, make chains and fetters, arrange places of exile and banishment, and different kinds of hardships and tortures, and think by these means to discipline criminals, whereas, in reality, they are causing destruction of morals and perversion of characters. The community, on the contrary, ought day and night to strive and endeavor with the utmost zeal and effort to accomplish the education of men, to cause them day by day to progress and to increase in science and knowledge, to acquire virtues, to gain good morals and to avoid vices, so that crimes may not occur. At the present time the contrary prevails; the community is always thinking of enforcing the penal laws, and of preparing means of punishment, instruments of death and chastisement, places for imprisonment and banishment; and they expect crimes to be committed. This has a demoralizing effect.
"But if the community would endeavor to educate the masses, day by day knowledge and sciences would increase, the understanding would be broadened, the sensibilities developed, customs would become good, and morals normal; in one word, in all these classes of perfections there would be progress, and there would be fewer crimes."
(Abdu'l-Baha, Some Answered Questions, p. 271)