you – the controller of mind

I don’t believe in the theory of psychiatric disorders or psychological problems to be healed only by medicines. Well, the psychiatrists say that they can not heal but stay in control with drugs. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in 2002. It wasn’t that bad. It runs in my paternal family. I had serious insomnia and I painted through nights. A little before 2002, a very close friend gave me a pill called ‘Alprazolam’ telling me that it would make me happy. (I don’t know why would someone suggest me that though.) The pill did make me laugh all day and all time but I didn’t what it was and there was no Google to read about it in those days. After few months, I started getting too angry on the slightest things. My anger turned into severe aggression. In 2004, I was thrown in front of a psychiatrist and without asking if I was taking some drugs he immediately put me on more drugs. I took Alprazolam for 3 years without knowing what damage it was causing me. I WAS STUPID TO TRUST A FRIEND. I went through severe depression due to this and those new drugs. Then in 2008, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I was on maniac side. I was then put on more fancy drugs as my psychiatrist liked. I turned aggressive. I turned extremely angry. I never understood why. I told him that I would like to quit but he stated that quitting is not an option. According to him, ‘quality life’ could only be achieved with those drugs. I didn’t call that a quality life. What QUALITY was there when I couldn’t paint, I could feel happy and I couldn’t sleep. I repelled and argued on trying ‘will power’. He gave out straight rebuff that ‘there’s no such thing as will power’. Wow…

That was just it. If anyone says that there is no will power than he is definitely missing the whole lot of self improvement theory. 

I walked away. 

Last year in 2012, I picked up all the bundle of medicines including my sleeping pills, and flushed them down the toilet. 

I used to wake up at 3.30 am therefore it was the best time to meditate. I meditated and pulled in healing energy. It gave me strength of controlling my mind. I gained control over my mind. I was able to perform with norms. My OCD quirks vanished within two months. Things that triggered my obsessions and compulsions were no longer in focus. My ‘highs’ didn’t make me vulnerable and maniac any more. I received clarity. I go to bed at 9.30 pm happily. I feel happy all the time. I haven’t seen a frown on my face in a long time.

I loved Budha’s teaching ‘Our desires make us unhappy.’ I focused on this saying and realized that I was running after having too much too soon. Desire to be perfect and have perfection in everything was the main cause of my unhappiness. I quickly changed that. My expectations were high. I lowered them. I also made materials least priority.  

I CHANGED THE WAY I THOUGHT. It didn’t cost me a dime. My doctors never taught me that.

I met a psychiatrist few months ago and after finding me in denial of drugs, he stated that I would bounce in a couple months. According to him it all comes back. I laughed and told him, it’s been a year. He was dumb founded but still stood on his grounds.

Well, it’s been months since he met me. I am only better let alone ‘bouncing back’ !

If I could do it so can you. I am not a saint.

What I feel like doing, when I’m inspired.”