I’m being a real lazy bum these days. Just don’t feel like doing anything. Um… no, I think this not justified. I do like to just read books from my petit library and listen to music and paint. THAT’S IT.
I don’t know if this qualifies me a lazy head or it’s just that I am tired of being a matriarch.
Few months ago I started noticing that whatever I did to occupy myself ended up demotivating me. I taught; I painted; I practiced 3 D animation… zilch excitement. Nothing excited me and I didn’t find myself good enough.
Yesterday morning, EmQue and I were burdening my living room’s coach with our laziness as usual. Our limbs were interlaced AS USUAL comforting each other in those immortal moments that seemed like a frozen slide show. I was moaning my misery when she said “Mom, you haven’t HIT IT yet. “
Eh????? (seriously, this is all my mind thought in that moment, which otherwise moves like a roller-coaster.)
She said that I have done a lot but since the beginning I did not pursue my passion. She was right actually. I started my career as early as 19 as an artist and I was successful in terms of selling my work regularly. But when I got married I wandered in pursuit of supporting family. In order to do that, whatever talent bits I had, I was encouraged to utilize them for money making. Teaching, fashion designing, acting, modelling, art direction…are some to point out. I was not let free to wander in my studio and fill the blank surfaces of canvases with life of my creativity.
Emque is absolutely right. I HAVEN’T HIT IT YET !
I stopped painting in 2004 (till 2012). If I hadn’t given this huge gap, I might have hit it. Eight years away from canvas is a long time. Those years were the ladder steps to where I expected myself to be now. I want to be JUST a full time painter and a part time photographer.
Few days ago I had a dream. (I get messages from the dead in my dreams. It’s very usual.) I saw my self in Israel, which is not the country Israel but some places from my past. I am standing at its gate on the top of a ditch. My dead uncle dressed in white stands there and watch me push down a white dirty colourful dog. He keeps saying “You are not doing it right,” every time I push the dog down. And I keep asking, “Baba, what I am not doing right?” He keeps repeating, “You are not doing it right. Go back to Israel.” In the morning I started thinking what does he mean. And after days I realized, I am not doing what I was doing in my early years that gave me rapid success. My style was not commercial and I did not paint for money. I painted for myself and people bought with love.
I have come to the point in life where everything in day to day life has lost attraction for me. The only thing which I enjoy doing is spending time in my studio. My studio – a place where world ends and third dimesion starts. I sit there on my couch, read, drink my black coffee, listen to music, and then paint. I hear nothing, I see nothing from outside world. No one is allowed in but Emque. She is the only one who is keeping me creative and enthusistic. She is my critic. She is my curator.
I will soon hit it.
My work has starting convulsing already since I have stopped bothering living to make money. I think I am waking up. I think I am going to hit it soon. I will be ME once again.
by xandria noir
Agreed! 100%
Dreams are the window to your soul. I'm glad to know that you have finally found the motivation that you were looking for and now it won't fade away 🙂